The Transgender Family Handbook

By Theresa Thorn

It was the week before Thanksgiving in 2016 when my kindergartner said, “I think I’m a girl with a penis.” We were in the restroom at a wedding reception for a friend of mine. “Okay,” I said, a thousand thoughts flooding my brain. “Okay,” I said again in the calmest voice I could muster. “Thank you for telling me. I love you so much.” Then, as we washed our hands and went back to the party, “We’ll figure it out, okay?”

In hindsight, my firstborn, who had been assigned male at birth, had been trying to signal to me about her gender for a while and, without understanding the harm I was doing, I had been subtly dismissing her hints and gestures. I knew trans kids existed, but I hadn’t thought my kid was trans, which led me to discourage her from wearing a dress on Picture Day (“It’ll be confusing”) and repeatedly cut her hair (“It’s just easier this way”). To me at the time, these had been simple exercises of parental judgment. To my child, they had probably been rejections. By spelling it out in no uncertain terms on the night of the reception, she told me she needed me to start really seeing her. And I honestly wanted to. I wanted to understand every corner of this mysterious little person I helped bring into the world. But to see her for real meant I needed to trust her in a way I never really had before.

But What If She Changes Her Mind When She’s Older?

Almost every parent we spoke with wondered, Is this a phase? After all, young people try on and discard so many styles and ideas and interests on their way to becoming themselves. When Christina and Erik’s 11-year-old, Alex, told them she was a girl two years ago, the question of whether “this is forever” seemed, for a moment, critical. (The family asked us not to use their real names.) But then Christina remembered something she’d learned in a workshop: “Identity is fluid, and gender is fluid. That doesn’t determine its reality. And it isn’t your business how long it’s going to last.” So she and Erik decided that “instead of trying to predict, we’ll respect the phase. We wouldn’t say, ‘No, you don’t like trucks now because you’re not going to like trucks next year.’ That’s not how you raise kids.”

Visit This Site That Everyone Told Us Was the Best Place to Start

Gender Spectrum, founded by Stephanie Brill, is beyond comprehensive, offering everything from training sessions for coaches, pastors, and lawyers to tip sheets on how to handle dress-code discrimination to Zoom sessions for the parents of color. Many parents told us that its guide to communicating with schools, including scripts for meetings with administrators and teachers, was the best one out there.

Try to Meet Other Parents

Although PFLAG is 50 years old, it’s still the first stop for many parents, with nearly 400 chapters across the country. Early in Dev Green’s transition, a therapist referred them and their family to a local branch. “It was a really amazing place for my parents to process hard emotions,” Dev says. “I think PFLAG was the big step that got my parents onboard.”

Facebook groups and pages are huge too. Parents of Transgender Children may be the largest. For Raydra Hall, the parent of a trans son, Moms of Trans Boys was the most important. “It was comforting to know other people all over the world are in the same position, trying to do what’s best for our kids.” Mary Siever, the mother of three trans and nonbinary children, joined Mama Dragons, where she appreciated the space for people to be “upset or whatever in a safe place without putting that on their child,” and FreedHearts, for queer-affirming religious people.

Find Ways to Introduce Them to Trans Adults

Seven years ago, Joanna Cifredo was working at the National Center for Transgender Equality when then-5-year-old Ellie Ford came into the office. Cifredo became like an “auntie” to Ellie. She is amazed at the ways Ellie’s upbringing is “profoundly different from what seemed possible when I was a kid,” and she loves “helping — and bearing witness to — Ellie grow into their own.” Ellie says, “Aunt Joanna is like my trans protector, and we can relate. I feel safe when I’m with her.” Tony Ferraiolo facilitates an art group for trans youth and stays close to many of them. He says, “I’m able to say to them what I needed to hear when I was their age and there was nobody there to say it.”

➼ Read Janet Mock, Emira D’Spain, and 13 others on what helped them through their transition

Here’s a Place to Find Someone

The Sam & Devorah Foundation for Trans Youth’s Trans Mentor Project connects young people with older ones around the country, depending on the type of mentor they’re looking for (say, a fellow Black transfemme). The nonprofit’s executive director, Wren Rhodes — who is based in Florida, where there has been a flurry of anti-trans legislation — suggests asking about how a group addresses data privacy before joining: “Instead of Zoom, we use a more secure platform called MentorCity. We don’t actually take any personally identifying information like addresses.”

Sub-Reddits

• r/asktransgender forencyclopedic answers to any and all questions.
• r/transfashionadvice for outfit ideas.
• r/transpositive for uplifting content.
• r/transvoice for voice training.
• r/nonbinarytalk, r/ftm, r/mtf, and r/blacktransmen for identity-based groups.

Vlogs

• Jammidodger’s YouTube videos were recommend by multiple young people. “Even though he’s a trans guy instead of a trans woman, he helped me figure out, Hey, that’s kind of like what I want to do,” says Hazel, 18. The vlogger (real name: Jamie Raines) is a favorite of Dev’s as well: “He helped me to see a future for myself at a time when I thought I wouldn’t have support from my parents.”

• UppercaseCHASE1 is anotherfavorite of Dev’s. “Chase temporarily stopped using testosterone, so when I was considering doing that, I watched the videos about what changes are reversible and what changes are not.”

• Maya Henry and Samantha Lux kept 25-year-old Alexis Myers company when she was first transitioning: “They both documented their transition early on, so I got to follow along as I was going through my own.”

And A Number of Camps Exist for Trans Kids

In upstate New York: Unirondack
In Massachusetts: The Rowe Center
In New Hampshire: Harbor Camps
In Missouri: Camp Indigo Point
In Ohio: Camp Lilac
In Southern California: Camp Mulberry
In Southern Ontario: Niizh Manidook Hide Camp

Let Them Know You’re ‘Doing the Work’

Some time after I told her I was trans in high school, my mom got in her car and drove to the library. I wasn’t there, but I can imagine her going up to the big, gray desktop computer and tapping in unfamiliar search terms like transsexual and transgender. She was the kind of person who liked to hold a book in her hands, to feel the weight of the information it could impart. When I saw the stack of laminated covers on her nightstand, I wept with gratitude. She was engaging in an independent study to better understand me. From there, her questions changed too. Suddenly, she was prefacing things with “Some transgender people have said.” I lost my mom nine years ago, and I still think about that stack of books on her nightstand every day. —Liam Lowery, trans man

With Your Little One …

Tony Ferraiolo’s two favorite books for the very young are Red: A Crayon’s Story, by Michael Hall (“Red is a blue crayon that’s labeled red”), and Neither, by Airlie Anderson, about a character who is “not quite a bird and not quite a bunny.”

Julián Is a Mermaid, the winner of a Stonewall Book Award from the American Library Association, is a beautifully illustrated story of self-discovery at the Coney Island Mermaid Parade.

It Feels Good to Be Yourself, by Theresa Thorn, is another lovely picture book.

The Gender Identity Workbook for Kids is “such a gentle, sweet book,” says Betsy Colton, the parent of an 8-year-old trans daughter. “Anything with Diane Ehrensaft’s name on it will be good.”

“I’ve been trying to find more books where queer identity is not the plot but just part of the story,” the mother of an 8-year-old trans girl told us. She recommends When Aidan Became a Brother, by Kyle Lukoff.

… Or Your Young Adult …

Zenobia July, by Lisa Bunker, is a coming-of-age story and mystery featuring a middle-school-age trans protagonist.

Molly Knox Ostertag’s The Witch Boy trilogy is “a trans allegory,” says Mickie, the parent of two nonbinary children. It follows a family “where the girls do magic and the boys shape-shift” with a protagonist who is “a boy who wants to do magic.”

Two families recommend Cory Silverberg’s gender-inclusive puberty and sex-ed books. You Know, Sex: Bodies, Gender, Puberty, and Other Things is oriented toward teens and tweens.

YouTuber and therapist Chloë Goldbach likes The Queer and Transgender Resilience Workbook, by Anneliese Singh. It’s educational but written “in a very accessible way — it’s not super-jargony” and includes exercises for “identifying harmful messages that we’ve internalized” and challenging them by finding more affirming ways to think about our bodies.

 … Or On Your Own

Several families recommend The Transgender Teen, by Stephanie Brill and Lisa Kenney, and Beyond Pronouns, by Tammy Plunkett. “If I had Beyond Pronouns before my children came out to me, it would have been such a help,” Mary Siever says.

You May Want to Get a Couples Counselor

Whether a child’s coming out is joyful or fraught or low-key, parents are on a path for which they’ve probably had few models for how to proceed. Nearly all the parents we spoke with spent some time in therapy. When Tammy Plunkett’s child Mitchell came out as trans six years ago, she and her husband started couples therapy because “we both processed at very different rates,” says the Beyond Pronouns author. She was faster and therefore carried “a lot of the emotional labor” and also managed Mitchell’s medical logistics. When another child, Rose, came out last summer, the couple went back to counseling to figure out how to better work together. Ask members of your parent group to recommend counselors they worked with themselves or to tell you whom to stay away from.

Help Them Choose a New Name

Kids may mine favorite books or movies or ask about names that were on your shortlist before they were born. Sometimes names just fall into place. On a car ride, Ellie Ford’s parents brainstormed with them. Ellie was holding an elephant blanket they loved. Their mother pitched: “How about a name like Ellie?” When they arrived, Ellie “jumped out of the car, ran up to a little kid, and said, ‘Hi, I’m Ellie, nice to meet you.’ Ellie had never run up to anybody and talked to them before.” Family nicknames might change too: Cameron Pierce’s mother had called him her “Super Bunny Girl” since he was a baby. When he came out, “she started calling me ‘Super Bunny Boy,’ which cracked my heart in two,” he says. The nickname is “something she’s been saying unconsciously for 20 years. For her to call me her son and then modify my childhood nickname so easily — that was the most meaningful thing.”

Consider a Document Update

Alex and her parents used to worry about traveling, especially going through airport security. Then they legally changed Alex’s passport to reflect her accurate gender identity. “It felt like after years of not seeing myself in a mirror, I saw who I truly was,” Alex says. “When that passport came and the picture of her matched the gender listed, it felt like the whole world had just opened up,” her mother says. “It allows a freedom and a safety that felt out of reach for us.” Gender markers on passports are easier to update than on other documents, and the process for changing name and gender markers varies by state and which document you’re updating; find details at transequality.org and the TLDEF Name Change Project.

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The court hearing that made Quinn’s name change official happened during COVID, but the 16-year old’s family still marked the occasion: “I wore a nice blazer and a polo shirt. I took photos outside our house afterward with my little trans flag.”

Offer to Take Down Old Photos

“I came home one day and all the photos of my son prior to social transition were either face down or turned around. He told me, ‘Mom, I just feel like if somebody comes and visits and sees these photos, they’re going to think something’s wrong with me.’ So we held hands and we pulled all the photos down. And he told me that I could hold on to them. And then he’s like, ‘Thank you, Mom,’ and happily skipped off.” —Lizette Trujillo, mother of a 15-year-old trans boy

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“The first birthday after I told my dad I was starting testosterone, he gave me a pair of aggressively masculine Ethos dumbbells, which was something I wanted but had never mentioned to him and thus a very memorable gift.” — Erin Schwartz, transmasc nonbinary

… Or Get on a Zoom

“My parents planned two Zoom calls, one for my mom’s side of the family and one for my dad’s side. They did the talking ’cause I was too scared. I remember it was very awkward, but also I’m glad they helped me with that.” —Robin, 15

Try This Talking Point

Alex’s grandparents were theoretically supportive of trans people but only “like a millimeter deep.” After she came out, her father, Erik, says his parents raised inappropriate concerns: “What are her genitals gonna be? Who is she gonna have sex with and how?” Erik talked about how to respond with his wife, Christina. She suggested a rejoinder that Erik found helpful: “I invite you to not think graphically about my daughter’s sex life any more than you are thinking graphically about any of your children or people you know.” Later, Erik’s mother told him she found the conversation freeing: “I was getting stuck in that thing that I shouldn’t be thinking about.”

But If a Relative Can’t Deal, That’s Their Problem

“We’ve only had a problem with one family member, my brother-in-law. When we first told him and my sister that my daughter was going by new pronouns, he said that ‘it’s stupid — these kids don’t know what they’re doing.’ I told him, ‘If you say these things about my child, I’m going to have to cut you out of my life.’ And so I did because apparently my brother-in-law just can’t accept other people. My sister eventually started talking to us again, I think because she realized that it wasn’t a phase and that she still loves us all. But she doesn’t mention her husband.” —Antoinette Goodrow, mother of a 15-year-old trans girl

… And Even Get Fired Up

Several families talked about how meaningful it was to volunteer together for affirming organizations. Fifteen-year-old Mike’s grandmother has helped out at PFLAG and Pride events, and his grandfather — ”who looks straight out of Duck Dynasty,” his mother, Amy, notes — has often come along to pass out pamphlets. “Seeing my parents come out for the cause has been amazing,” Amy says.

… And Come Up With a Family Signal

Other times, Schipani will simply excuse himself from an interaction. He uses a cue with close friends and family that he learned working in hospitality: When he places his hand across his body onto his shoulder, someone can see from across the room that he’d like their help getting out of the situation. “It can be powerful and grounding to have this in your back pocket,” he says.

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“The most gender-affirming thing that people did for me when I first came out was remove me from all-girl group chats. I was like, ‘You know I love the tea, but I’m so glad you’re respecting me.’” —Cameron Pierce, 21

… Or Tell Them in Seventh-Grade English Class

When he came out at school, Quinn and his family did a few things. They asked Quinn’s guidance counselor to inform teachers, then hold small lunchtime meetings to come out to close friends and designate a supportive peer in most of his classes. The final step, it so happened, was coming out to his English class via PowerPoint during a presentation on transgender rights. “I explained what it meant to be trans and then at the end of the presentation I was like, ‘Here’s my story. And by the way, I’m trans — please call me Quinn and use these pronouns.’”

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When Mickie’s eldest changed his name, “I went on Etsy and I got a custom pin made that had his name and his pronouns under it. And he wore that to school, like, every day until the kids got used to it.”

… And Modify the Gymnastics Leotard

“I was working with a young child who had been socially transitioning and really wanted to do gymnastics,” says Tavi Hawn, a therapist and the author of The Gender Identity Guide for Parents. “The team required that they wear leotards to practice. We were able to find a special little skirt leotard that would work really well for this child to not feel like they stood out from the group. Sometimes you have to brainstorm and figure it out together.”

Practice for the Inevitable Locker-Room Confrontation

At some point, someone is going to question why a trans or nonbinary person is using a sex-segregated space. Having a response prepared helps. Before Ellie Ford went on their first overnight school trip this spring, “they were worried that kids would say, ‘Why are you in the girls’ dorm?’” says their mother, Vanessa. So the night before Ellie left, they practiced.
“I played someone questioning them in maybe not the nicest way,” Vanessa says. “Like, ‘Why are you here?’ And they practiced a response that felt comfortable, which was, ‘Because I’m not a guy is why I’m not in the boys’ dorm.’” They also decided which teacher to go to if things escalated.

You Might Need to Be in the Classroom Sometimes

Most kids we spoke with have been bullied. When Rhodes’s child was in kindergarten, they shared a lunch period with some fifth-graders who made fun of them for wearing skirts to school. “I ended up volunteering in their classroom so that I could build that relationship with their teachers,” says Rhodes. The teachers shifted the seating plan and allowed Rhodes’s child to eat in their classroom rather than the lunch room if they wanted to. Mickie considers it their job “to protect them to the best of my ability and also teach them how to navigate a world that is sometimes not going to be kind to them.” When bullying happens, Mickie helps the kids think of ways to respond or encourages them to speak to their teachers. If it continues, Mickie will email the teacher “to ask if she could speak to the class about nonbinary identity” and will share info sheets.

But Really, What Do We Do If Our School Is Not Cooperative?

Figuring out your kid’s rights at school is complicated. In theory, a number of federal protections should apply, but in practice, their implementation varies widely. If your child is being bullied, misgendered, targeted by the school’s dress code, or kept out of the bathroom, locker room, or sports team that aligns with their gender identity, there are steps you can take to advocate for them. Start by alerting an administrator. “Not every school that treats transgender students inclusively has an official policy saying that,” says Joshua Block, an attorney with the ACLU. If they refuse to help, you can try filing a complaint with the Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights within 180 days of the incident. You can also file a lawsuit in federal court, seeking protection under Title IX, the First Amendment, and other laws. Still, Block warns, “filing a lawsuit is probably not the first, second, third, or fourth thing that would bring a practical change in someone’s life in a lot of places. Your best bet might be to do advocacy with the school officials, organize during school-board meetings, be involved in school-board elections, things like that.” If none of this gets you anywhere, you may want to consider changing schools if you can.

Don’t Assume Your Child Will Want to Go the Medical Route

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to care for transgender patients. “Not everyone with gender dysphoria wants medical aspects of gender-affirming care,” says Meredithe McNamara, a specialist in adolescent medicine at Yale. “Some parents might feel like there’s an expectation that they pursue medical treatment just because their kid identifies as trans. I try to let people know, ‘You guys need to tell me how you feel and what you need, and it can evolve. Your answers may be different month to month, and that’s a good thing.’” Of course, the information shared here isn’t meant to be medical advice; consult with a doctor before beginning any kind of medical treatment.

If They Do, See Your Pediatrician First

Experts generally agree that a parent’s first step is seeing a primary-care doctor. In the best-case scenario, this person will be both affirming and knowledgeable enough to start to explain what care looks like and begin to offer it. But often this won’t be the case.

“The actual medical side of hormone therapy and even puberty blockers is not complex,” says Dr. Izzy Lowell, the founder of QueerMed, a Georgia-based practice dedicated to providing gender-affirming care around the country. “It’s easier to manage than diabetes. So it’s not that it’s out of the scope of a pediatrician; it’s just that most doctors haven’t been trained in this.”

If the existing provider isn’t knowledgeable enough but wants to help, then ask for a referral to someone else, like a pediatric endocrinologist. If you can’t find someone through your current provider, take things to your parent support group. Just ask, “Know of any doctors in our area?”

Next, Get a Therapist

Lowell recommends that young people see a therapist even if they aren’t quite sure they want to pursue medical treatment. “Not because being transgender is a mental disorder,” says Lowell. “It’s just really hard to be transgender right now.” Most affirming therapists can navigate next steps and help patients clarify whether medical transition is the right path for them.

… And Hormone-Replacement Therapy

People assigned male at birth will take testosterone blockers and estrogen. People assigned female at birth will take testosterone (there’s no need for an “estrogen blocker” because testosterone itself naturally blocks estrogen). Testosterone is administered via injection or topical gel, testosterone blockers are given as a pill, and estrogen can be given as a pill, injection, or patch. Patients on hormones start with a low dose and gradually increase to a full adult dose. For follow-ups, everyone needs a doctor’s visit and lab test every three months. Note that testosterone will likely stop menstruation eventually, but it is not birth control. Before beginning treatment, McNamara recommends patients get a fertility-preservation consultation.

Your Child May Want Surgery

But it’s very rare for minors, says Lowell. Of the few surgical procedures minors are eligible for, the more common is top surgery — a double mastectomy to remove breast tissue. It’s rarer for a minor to get “bottom” surgery, defined as vaginoplasty or phalloplasty, which are much more complex procedures. “Most surgeons don’t do bottom surgery on folks under 18,” says Andres Cazares, a trans man and social worker on the NYU Langone Transgender Health Team.

When You’re Weighing the Medical Risks, Remember That Waiting Is Also Risky

Christina and Erik were considering whether their daughter should move forward with treatment, and the potential side effects gave them pause. “I was like, ‘Lower bone density and difficulty with fertility later on? Oh my God, what am I doing?’” Christina says. She felt overwhelmed weighing which choices were worth the possible risks. Then she talked to a genderqueer friend her age who reminded her that “every decision is going to have side effects. There is no decision that you can make as a parent that’s gonna keep your kid perfectly safe forever.” Christina’s friend pointed out that the decision not to use hormones could also have profound side effects. (Untreated gender dysphoria is associated with increased rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide.) “It would force her to go through a puberty cycle that is going to alienate her from herself. And yes, maybe when she is 50, she will have some bone-density problems. But next year she might have mental-health problems if you don’t do it.”

A Good Doctor Will Talk Directly to Your Child

Alex saw a doctor who was supportive but addressed only her father, rather than her. When the doctor asked if she had any questions, Alex says, it felt “like they know you do because you’re little and you don’t know anything.” Eventually, the family found a doctor who “always looks me square in the eyes, and they don’t treat me like a little kid. When they ask, ‘Do you have any questions?’ there isn’t that judgment in their voice.” Robin appreciates that even though they go to medical appointments with their mother, their doctor always asks for a moment to talk with them alone. “Sometimes it’s easier to say what I feel without the extra pressure,” they say. It may be tempting to take control of appointments, notes social worker Cazares, but your child will have to advocate for themself in the medical system for the rest of their life. Help them start developing those skills now.

… And Actually Get to Know Them

When McNamara meets a new patient who’s experiencing gender dysphoria, her questions don’t begin with a focus on gender. “I just want to know who this kid is,” she says. She asks, “What do you like to do for fun? Who’s in your friend circle? What’s your family like?” From there, she can tailor an approach to their specific needs.

Use an Ice Pack Before Doing an Injection

“If you inject T, it hurts every week, and it can sometimes be a deterrent to taking it,” says Cameron Pierce. “When I was getting my rundown, nobody told me to put an ice pack on my tummy beforehand to numb everything — that makes it way easier.”

Use a ShotBlocker

The Bionix ShotBlocker is a small U-shaped piece of plastic designed to make injections less painful. Strategist contributor Kristin Flood used it for subcutaneous IVF injections and says, “It helped with the pain to the point where I would barely feel the injection.”

Come Up With a Good Distraction

Does your child need a distraction during blood draws to monitor hormone levels? Give them rapid-fire math problems. “I’ve got so many mathematics tricks now,” Quinn says. “I used to be so bad at these timed math problems, but now I can do all the 11’s.”

… Or If You Want to Change It

McNamara sometimes sees patients whose family members are concerned they might begin medical transition only to change their mind. She tells them about the existing data, “which shows that something like 98 percent of people who begin gender-affirming care in their teenage years continue it in adulthood,” she says. Only rarely do patients decide to stop hormones. Recently, after nearly five years of hormone therapy, Dev Green started to wonder if they wanted to continue. In May, Dev got approval from their doctor to stop. “I wouldn’t call it changing my mind,” they say. “I’m learning more about myself and being authentic in having the strength to say, ‘It’s okay that I don’t want to be on testosterone anymore.’”

Talk to a Dermatologist, Too

A skin specialist can help navigate the changes that come with hormones. “The big thing that comes along with feminizing hormone therapy is that it often dries the skin out,” says Markus Boos, a dermatologist at Seattle Children’s Hospital. This can be treated by moisturizing with lotion, creams, and even Vaseline. Acne is a common side effect from masculinizing hormone therapy, especially in the first six months. An over-the-counter wash that contains benzoyl peroxide helps. If you’re on hormones and want to try prescription skin care, note that many acne medications have hormonal effects, and the retinoid isotretinoin (Accutane) requires periodic pregnancy testing, which can cause dysphoria for transmasc people.

Track Progress in a Journal

Some people medically transitioning say they find it helpful to track their physical progress through voice notes, daily photos, or observations kept in their Notes app or a diary. These can be helpful reference points at doctors’ appointments, and it can be affirming to see or hear oneself changing day by day (even if it may feel like there’s still a long way to go).

… Or If You Live in a State Where It Already Has Been

Do your best to seek care out of state. Telehealth may be helpful here: QueerMed can practice telemedicine in the 26 states where it is licensed. So if someone in Indiana, for example, is able to drive across the state line into Michigan, where QueerMed has a license, families can pick up a prescription before heading home. (The clinic also offers grant funding for travel.) Among states that ban gender-affirming care for kids, a few have legal ramifications for parents or caregivers. In Texas, child-welfare agencies have investigated parents for providing gender-affirming care, and in Mississippi, anyone who “aids and abets” gender-affirming care for minors can be prosecuted. If you live in one of these states, be aware of the risks.

Keep Up With This Exhaustively Researched Map

Independent journalist Erin Reed’s color-coded Anti-Trans Legislative Risk Map, available at erininthemorning.com, ranks states from “safest states with protections” to “worst active anti-trans legislation.” (She recently added a new category, “Do Not Travel,” for Florida.) Families we spoke to relied on it to plan moves and choose colleges. She keeps it fresh by reading “every bill — I’ve read all 530 this year — watching local committee hearings, and talking to activists on the ground.”

Tap or click the map to enlarge. Illustration: Erin Reed

How One Family Got Out of Texas

A number of families we spoke to have left jobs, schools, or even the states where they lived in pursuit of a safer environment for their children. In 2019, David Hall and his son, Dani, moved from Austin, Texas, to Olympia, Washington, after Dani was attacked at his high school.

Dani: I had just turned 16, and I’d joined GSA a few months before. My experience there made me feel like, Even if everything falls apart, I’ll still have friends who can support me. I had hair down to my waist, and I cut it all off. I went to school the next day and told everyone that I had changed my name and changed my pronouns. I was a relatively popular girl — I was doing cheerleading tryouts, I was in the choir — and a few people came and found me in the library that day after they’d heard the news and told me they wouldn’t be friends with me anymore. Later that week, I was walking to a class with friends when someone came up behind me and threw a piece of brick at me. It hit my shoulder.

David: He came home and said the police were at the school. I was shocked. There’s an emotional need as a parent for your kids to feel safe at school. When you’re denied that assurance of even a moderate level of safety for your child, it begins to affect you on a deep level. I realized this was the moment something had to give. There was already a lot of pressure on the family internally to the point where I was getting a divorce. My ex-wife’s family had a lot of problems with Dani’s decision to transition. That incident was the final straw. I visited Olympia for a few weeks and took a good look around. I was smitten, and my job allowed me to work remotely.

Dani: My dad sent me pictures of the mountains and the Pride flags hung in the streets. I thought, Thank God, we’re going somewhere. It didn’t matter the place as long as it was safe. My grades were failing because I was so stressed. It kind of felt like my life in Texas had already ended.

I cried a lot when I said good-bye to all my friends. It felt like my whole world was coming apart. But it was important for me to have some of my teen years in a safe place. I’m studying biology at college now, and I go to Pride events between classes. There would never be that kind of stuff at schools in Texas.